checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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