Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
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