If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
