You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
