I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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