I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
