ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
