apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
