trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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