Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
