you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
