I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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