Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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