My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Non-Jews are for practice
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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