found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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