I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
