I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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