can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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