Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i out mim tonsoeep
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