Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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