The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I wish there were birth control emojis
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
They took my balls.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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