I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
