tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize