textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
