No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
