The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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