That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
