You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
