is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I hate all girls vehemently.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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