Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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