mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
