Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize