Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
