i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
