Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
