my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
