He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
