I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Buhtt sex?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
