i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
