I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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