I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
