Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
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