Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
