I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
