Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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