he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Randomize
