Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Randomize
