He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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