I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
