And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
