Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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