Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
