Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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