He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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