I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
