So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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