Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
