i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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