70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
