just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
