GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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