I cut my penus on the lid.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
