Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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