If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
