The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
My vagina is officially offended.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
