I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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