my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
