I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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