quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
