I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
